I love this! Our adoption agency sends out a weekly update on where different families are in the adoption process and how much closer we are to our referral. They always include an article of interest or something to encourage waiting families. This was in last week's update and I thought it was worth sharing! We have already experienced many of these "Stages of Waiting" ...
"The Stages of Waiting"
Written By: Julie Corby
Fifteen months ago my husband and I filled out an application to adopt siblings from Ethiopia. Are you familiar with the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross model for the stages of grief? It consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I feel like the waiting process during our adoption has taken me through similar distinct stages. While it may be true that the only thing that Dr. Kübler-Ross and I have in common is that she was a psychiatrist and I need a psychiatrist, I believe that these "Stages of Waiting" do, in fact, exist.
Stage 1 >> Relief. My husband and I have finally landed on the same page regarding our family building. We agree on the country. We agree on the agency. We agree to the expense.
Stage 2 >> Joy. There is a light at the end of a long, nine-year tunnel. I've become a member of a club that has, up until now, excluded me. I have a spring in my step. I can walk by a playground without weeping. I can talk about preschool. I'm childproof. I tell everyone I know about our plans.
Stage 3 >> The win/win-naiveté-Melissa Fay Greene Stage. I read There Is No Me Without You. I think, not only am I helping myself, I am helping Africa. We want kids, and millions of orphans need families. It is a win/win situation.
Stage 4 >> Ethical questioning. Many Ethiopian children placed for adoption are not actually orphans. In fact, a lot of them have parents, as well as siblings. They are relinquished because their family cannot afford to feed them. This is when I start wrestling a lot: "If I really cared about Ethiopia, I would take these thousands of dollars we're paying in adoption fees and donate them to an organization that would do everything it could to preserve this family."
Stage 5 >> I am a selfish jerk. My white, privileged need to have a family is much stronger than my need to help Ethiopia. My mothering hormones are not going to be dissipated by my concern for struggling Africans. I am a jerk.
Stage 6 >> Bargaining. I am a selfish jerk, but I agree to change my need. This is when I announce to my husband one morning, "I think that we should adopt a 12-year-old from Ethiopia, instead. We will make sure that she is a true orphan, an only child, and HIV-positive. We have good health insurance." (At this point I think my husband, who likes more than anything to make a decision and stick with it, is starting to wonder why he ever married me in the first place.)
Stage 7 >> Outrage. Why doesn't everyone know how bad things are around the world? Why aren't people doing more? Unfortunately, this outrage turns into self-righteousness and a judgmental attitude, which send me spiraling back to...
Stage 8 >> Guilt. I feel guilty for judging, guilty for adopting, guilty for eating. You name it, I feel guilty.
Stage 9 >> Resolve. I will do something. I will raise awareness. I will start a project that will help. I will make a difference.
Stage 10 >> Renewed optimism. It's OK. We will move forward. I'll call our agency and write the check for the third payment they requested. I will continue to read about parenting. I will do my best to be a mother to these two children.
Stage 11 >> Doubt in the adoption. Are we doing the right thing? Our agency has worked in Ethiopia for a long time, and I am fairly confident that they operate in an ethical manner. But really, how would I know? I do know that the program has changed dramatically in the past year, because so many more people are choosing Ethiopia.
Stage 12 >> Doubt in myself. Am I too (insert any of these adjectives here: old, dejected, cynical, impatient, selfish) to adopt?
Stage 13 >> Doubt that it will ever happen. We know several couples who applied after we did who have already received their referrals, have traveled, and are now happily ensconced with their new families. Is this just one more thing that works out for everyone except us? I have days when I believe that we will never get to adopt. This feels precarious, and reminds me of a feeling I've had before. Our four pregnancies didn't work out, so why did I think this would? (This stage also involves envy, but envy is so yucky, let's not give it its own stage.)
Stage 14 >> Disillusionment. This is when all of your warm and fuzzy feelings about adoption don't feel warm and fuzzy anymore. They feel messy and worrisome.
Stage 15 >> Exhilaration. A couple of weeks ago, I was at home with my husband and our dogs. All of the sudden, I thought, "This is going to happen! We are going to be parents! There will be children here, in our house, SOON!" I grinned like an idiot. This stage lasted exactly 90 minutes.
Stage 16 >> Unexpected, renewed faith in humanity. Where have you people been all my life? There is something special about the adoption community. It takes someone with a big heart, I think, and at least some sense of adventure, to adopt. I am so grateful to have met so many incredible people on this journey. I mean it.
Stage 17 >> Joyful, Uneasy anticipation. The uneasiness may disappear when we get our referral, but maybe it is important to always feel uneasy. Being a prospective adoptive parent is complicated. Obviously, the people who are really going through something are the birth families and the children. Their losses are much more difficult and devastating. If I am lucky enough to become a parent, I must continue to question. I will do my best to remain observant, to monitor agencies' activities and message boards, to help those who come after me, and to help those who are left behind.
The feelings of joy and anticipation are substantially less complicated. In January 2008, our social worker let us know we were Waiting Family #103. Today, we are Waiting Family #3. We want this more than anything. I can't wait to see my husband be a father. I can't wait for my parents to meet their grandchildren. I can't wait to sing someone to sleep, to make someone laugh, and to bandage a skinned knee. We are ready for our joyful, uneasy, happy ending.
Follow Julie's story at:www.theeyesofmyeyesareopened.blogspot.com
Monday, March 1, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Seven Months
Where do I begin this blog? After 7 months, the waiting has finally become ... HARD! Maybe it's because it's winter and we're cooped up in the house more than ever. Maybe it's because on these long cold days, I wish Abby were here playing with her brother. Maybe it's because I wish Hope would hurry up and come home so Benjamin would have someone to play with. Or maybe it's just because the waiting is ... hard. I think it's a lot of things.
I told my husband the other day that he is married to a bear. Yes, a bear. I hibernate. Don't wake me up in my hibernation or you might get mauled, lol! Really, it's a good illustration of what winter does to my soul. I want to curl up in my cave and not come out until spring. Anything that upsets me makes me want to ROAR! What a great illustration of the winter blahs. I think it's what I have had for a long time. Put wanting, hoping, praying and waiting for another little person to grace our lives with that, plus a little boy who is starting to express his feelings of wishing his sister were here, and knowing there is nothing I can do about it, and it can get somewhat yucky! It's been a long winter.
On the other hand, we have so much hope, so much anticipation to see what is going to unfold as the snow melts and spring flowers push their way up through the dirt this spring. Another wonderful illustration of our human struggle. We are like the seeds in the ground, pushing up against the frozen soil. We have to wrestle through and push against the resistance in our lives in order to bloom. Sometimes it's a battle and it seems like we will never get there, but alas spring comes and the flowers are abundant and when it happens, it is so beautiful it takes our breath away! I am amazed at all of the illustrations in nature. Spring, summer, fall, winter ... but spring always comes!!! The snow is melting and I am waiting in anticipation for my spring!
I got the privilege to meet Mary Beth Chapman this week at the ECM annual banquet. I was reminded of the verse in Song of Solomon, which is also an old Vineyard worship song: "He brought me to His banqueting table and His banner over me is love." I had been desperately needing a reminder of God's love for me and received it in the form of a tender gesture by a beloved brother-in-Christ who also happened to be the host of the evening. I saw him earlier in the night and he said, "You would like to meet Mary Beth tonight, wouldn't you? I will see what I can do to make that happen." So, as everyone was seated and the meal was served, he came to me and without a word, took me by the hand from my table in the back of the room and walked me all the way to the head table where he introduced me as "someone very special who wants to meet you." I was able to thank her in person for the Show Hope grant and share about my daughters, Abby and Hope, and this journey we have been on. It was equally special to me that she shares both journeys. And, although it was Matt who walked me to the head table, it felt like Jesus himself was taking me to His table and saying, "You are special to me and I want to do this for you." I felt loved by my Father.
The whole evening was full of the Father's love. I was seated at a table next to a dear friend who I didn't even know was coming and as we began talking, I noticed another person next to her whose name was familiar. The it came to me and I asked, "Didn't you adopt a little boy from Russia 3 years ago?" And she said, "Yes, how did you know?" Over a year ago, I had called her as a reference for the agency we were choosing to coordinate our adoption and we had spoken for nearly 2 hours on the phone. We shared how lonely and isolating this journey can feel and how wonderful it is when we meet someone who has experienced it, too. There are no coincidences. I needed a friend who knows what I'm going through and God brought her to my table. We exchanged numbers and agreed to get together and let our boys play so we could talk more about our adoptions and how our lives have changed since starting this journey.
In the winter of my soul, God has and continues to place people in my life to encourage me and nudge me along the path so I don't retreat and hibernate in my cave. He brings the refreshment I desperately need just when it's needed. And He continues to remind me, "Emily, you are My girl. And your spring is coming!"
I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.
~ Song of Solomon 6:3
I told my husband the other day that he is married to a bear. Yes, a bear. I hibernate. Don't wake me up in my hibernation or you might get mauled, lol! Really, it's a good illustration of what winter does to my soul. I want to curl up in my cave and not come out until spring. Anything that upsets me makes me want to ROAR! What a great illustration of the winter blahs. I think it's what I have had for a long time. Put wanting, hoping, praying and waiting for another little person to grace our lives with that, plus a little boy who is starting to express his feelings of wishing his sister were here, and knowing there is nothing I can do about it, and it can get somewhat yucky! It's been a long winter.
On the other hand, we have so much hope, so much anticipation to see what is going to unfold as the snow melts and spring flowers push their way up through the dirt this spring. Another wonderful illustration of our human struggle. We are like the seeds in the ground, pushing up against the frozen soil. We have to wrestle through and push against the resistance in our lives in order to bloom. Sometimes it's a battle and it seems like we will never get there, but alas spring comes and the flowers are abundant and when it happens, it is so beautiful it takes our breath away! I am amazed at all of the illustrations in nature. Spring, summer, fall, winter ... but spring always comes!!! The snow is melting and I am waiting in anticipation for my spring!
I got the privilege to meet Mary Beth Chapman this week at the ECM annual banquet. I was reminded of the verse in Song of Solomon, which is also an old Vineyard worship song: "He brought me to His banqueting table and His banner over me is love." I had been desperately needing a reminder of God's love for me and received it in the form of a tender gesture by a beloved brother-in-Christ who also happened to be the host of the evening. I saw him earlier in the night and he said, "You would like to meet Mary Beth tonight, wouldn't you? I will see what I can do to make that happen." So, as everyone was seated and the meal was served, he came to me and without a word, took me by the hand from my table in the back of the room and walked me all the way to the head table where he introduced me as "someone very special who wants to meet you." I was able to thank her in person for the Show Hope grant and share about my daughters, Abby and Hope, and this journey we have been on. It was equally special to me that she shares both journeys. And, although it was Matt who walked me to the head table, it felt like Jesus himself was taking me to His table and saying, "You are special to me and I want to do this for you." I felt loved by my Father.
The whole evening was full of the Father's love. I was seated at a table next to a dear friend who I didn't even know was coming and as we began talking, I noticed another person next to her whose name was familiar. The it came to me and I asked, "Didn't you adopt a little boy from Russia 3 years ago?" And she said, "Yes, how did you know?" Over a year ago, I had called her as a reference for the agency we were choosing to coordinate our adoption and we had spoken for nearly 2 hours on the phone. We shared how lonely and isolating this journey can feel and how wonderful it is when we meet someone who has experienced it, too. There are no coincidences. I needed a friend who knows what I'm going through and God brought her to my table. We exchanged numbers and agreed to get together and let our boys play so we could talk more about our adoptions and how our lives have changed since starting this journey.
In the winter of my soul, God has and continues to place people in my life to encourage me and nudge me along the path so I don't retreat and hibernate in my cave. He brings the refreshment I desperately need just when it's needed. And He continues to remind me, "Emily, you are My girl. And your spring is coming!"
I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.
~ Song of Solomon 6:3
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Six Months
Chad and I bought these t-shirts for each other this Christmas. Benjamin has one that says, "Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little sister from Russia." We needed something to help make all of this more real and tangible. 2010 is here and we closer than ever to bringing our baby girl home from Russia!!
We are now officially six months into our wait and sometime later this year we will finally see Hope's face and receive our invitation to travel to Russia! An awesome article was recently published in the Daily News Journal about Just Love Coffee Roasters, the organization that sponsors our online coffee store and gives proceeds to families who are in the process of adopting internationally. You can check it out here:
Just Love Coffee Roasters in the Daily News Journal
They raised over $20,000 for families and benevolent organizations just in their first two months of operation! Proceeds go to families adopting internationally and to an Ethiopian orphanage. Our online adoption coffee store has raised about $200 for our adoption so far. You can visit our coffee store here to view delicious Fair Trade Coffees and help support our adoption:
Werner Family Online Adoption Coffee Store
Thank you for your continued encouragement, prayers and support. We are excited about 2010 and all it will bring for our family. Please come back soon for updates on our Journey to Hope!
We are now officially six months into our wait and sometime later this year we will finally see Hope's face and receive our invitation to travel to Russia! An awesome article was recently published in the Daily News Journal about Just Love Coffee Roasters, the organization that sponsors our online coffee store and gives proceeds to families who are in the process of adopting internationally. You can check it out here:
They raised over $20,000 for families and benevolent organizations just in their first two months of operation! Proceeds go to families adopting internationally and to an Ethiopian orphanage. Our online adoption coffee store has raised about $200 for our adoption so far. You can visit our coffee store here to view delicious Fair Trade Coffees and help support our adoption:
Thank you for your continued encouragement, prayers and support. We are excited about 2010 and all it will bring for our family. Please come back soon for updates on our Journey to Hope!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas!
2009 has been big year for our family! We began exploring adoption in November of 2008 and made the decision final in February. We are adopting a little girl from Russia! After the careful selection of an agency and completing the approval process, the paper chase officially began in April and we submitted our completed 81 page dossier to our agency in July. “Hope” will be between the ages of 8 months and 2 years old when we receive our “referral” and meet her for the first time. We are very excited, but it is a long wait. It has been a little over 5 months so far and it will be another 7-13 months until we finally see a photograph of her beautiful face and make our first trip to Russia! Then it will be another 3-5 months until we go back and bring her home for good. Thank you to everyone who has supported us through prayer, finances and encouragement over the last year. We are truly grateful for your support and prayers as we wait. You can follow our journey here on our online adoption blog.
So far, we have spent nearly $8,000, about half of which was funded by the generosity of friends and relatives who have supported us financially through the Journey to Hope fund and/or purchased coffee through our online adoption coffee store – thank you! And, so far, we have done it entirely debt-free, praise the Lord! If you would like to purchase coffee to help support our adoption, you can visit the store at:
www.justlovecoffee.com/journeytohope
Benjamin is very excited that he will finally get to play an active role as a big brother – he has been one for over three years now! He has already started collecting toys and books to give to Hope when she comes home. He has placed several items in her room that he wants to pass down to her and he already speaks of her in a tender, loving, brotherly way. It’s so sweet! He is a very active, happy kindergartener and enjoys playing dress ups, knights, cars, robots, Pet Shops, Webkinz, riding his bike and scooter and spending time with his friends and family. He has been schooling at home via the Ohio Virtual Academy since October and has excelled in his class. He is now reading and writing and is learning new things every day. It has been neat to be so active in his learning and I have enjoyed being his “learning coach” this year, even though it means less “freedom” in my schedule. I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Chad is in his 7th year with Teen Challenge, Cincinnati, where he works full-time as Program Supervisor, heading up the programs and staff of the men’s home. We have also begun the process of applying to launch a Teen Challenge in Cheyenne, Wyoming! Chad flew out west in early October and met with community leaders there to explore the area, pray and determine if this is where God is leading our family and the ball has been rolling ever since. He attended the necessary training in the fall and quickly began making connections and jumping through all the required hoops on the local, regional and national levels. He just submitted his final proposal, resume and reference letters to the national office this week, so now we wait!
Waiting seems to be a theme for us! We have not always been patient through the wait, but we know that God is walking with us and savoring every moment we share as we wait, hope and dream with Him through the peaks and valleys. I like the way Beth Moore puts it best …
“God takes his own sweet time because sweet time is God’s to take. Why wait if there’s no one to wait with you? God created time for man. A wait is time-oriented and, therefore, primarily man-oriented. Perhaps among a host of other reasons, I think God often ordains a wait because He purely enjoys the togetherness of it.”
It’s true. We cling to God during the wait like no other time. He is our hope and comfort. He is our refuge. He is with us while we wait! As we remember the birth of the long awaited Savior of the world this Christmas, we pray that you would have Hope in your hearts and feel the presence of God. Emmanuel, God with us, even and especially in the wait.
Merry Christmas and a very blessed New Year!
Chad, Emily and Benjamin
~Remembering Abby and waiting for Hope!~
So far, we have spent nearly $8,000, about half of which was funded by the generosity of friends and relatives who have supported us financially through the Journey to Hope fund and/or purchased coffee through our online adoption coffee store – thank you! And, so far, we have done it entirely debt-free, praise the Lord! If you would like to purchase coffee to help support our adoption, you can visit the store at:
www.justlovecoffee.com/journeytohope
Benjamin is very excited that he will finally get to play an active role as a big brother – he has been one for over three years now! He has already started collecting toys and books to give to Hope when she comes home. He has placed several items in her room that he wants to pass down to her and he already speaks of her in a tender, loving, brotherly way. It’s so sweet! He is a very active, happy kindergartener and enjoys playing dress ups, knights, cars, robots, Pet Shops, Webkinz, riding his bike and scooter and spending time with his friends and family. He has been schooling at home via the Ohio Virtual Academy since October and has excelled in his class. He is now reading and writing and is learning new things every day. It has been neat to be so active in his learning and I have enjoyed being his “learning coach” this year, even though it means less “freedom” in my schedule. I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Chad is in his 7th year with Teen Challenge, Cincinnati, where he works full-time as Program Supervisor, heading up the programs and staff of the men’s home. We have also begun the process of applying to launch a Teen Challenge in Cheyenne, Wyoming! Chad flew out west in early October and met with community leaders there to explore the area, pray and determine if this is where God is leading our family and the ball has been rolling ever since. He attended the necessary training in the fall and quickly began making connections and jumping through all the required hoops on the local, regional and national levels. He just submitted his final proposal, resume and reference letters to the national office this week, so now we wait!
Waiting seems to be a theme for us! We have not always been patient through the wait, but we know that God is walking with us and savoring every moment we share as we wait, hope and dream with Him through the peaks and valleys. I like the way Beth Moore puts it best …
“God takes his own sweet time because sweet time is God’s to take. Why wait if there’s no one to wait with you? God created time for man. A wait is time-oriented and, therefore, primarily man-oriented. Perhaps among a host of other reasons, I think God often ordains a wait because He purely enjoys the togetherness of it.”
It’s true. We cling to God during the wait like no other time. He is our hope and comfort. He is our refuge. He is with us while we wait! As we remember the birth of the long awaited Savior of the world this Christmas, we pray that you would have Hope in your hearts and feel the presence of God. Emmanuel, God with us, even and especially in the wait.
Chad, Emily and Benjamin
~Remembering Abby and waiting for Hope!~
Friday, December 11, 2009
Five Months
Well, we are now 5 months into our wait. Only 7-13 months to go until we get our referral. That is when we will finally see our daughter's face in a photograph for the first time and receive an invitation to travel to Russia and meet her in person! I found this wonderful article about waiting and wanted to share it.
Wow, did it make me feel good to know that the emotional rollercoaster we are on is normal! Mix that with Abby's 3rd birthday, which was just a couple of weeks ago and the other important dates (today would have been her real birthday if she had waited two more weeks for my scheduled c-section instead of coming early). Next Friday was her original due date. It brings so many feelings to the surface.
So we are in limbo between Abby and Hope ... and the waiting feels long. We still miss Abby, but we are longing for the day when we get to finally see and bring Hope home from Russia. Benjamin is ready to finally get to live out his role as big brother. And we are ready for two little ones to fill our days!
Thanks for your ongoing love, prayers and support while we wait for Hope! And a very Merry Christmas to everyone who has follwed us on our journey!!
Wow, did it make me feel good to know that the emotional rollercoaster we are on is normal! Mix that with Abby's 3rd birthday, which was just a couple of weeks ago and the other important dates (today would have been her real birthday if she had waited two more weeks for my scheduled c-section instead of coming early). Next Friday was her original due date. It brings so many feelings to the surface.
So we are in limbo between Abby and Hope ... and the waiting feels long. We still miss Abby, but we are longing for the day when we get to finally see and bring Hope home from Russia. Benjamin is ready to finally get to live out his role as big brother. And we are ready for two little ones to fill our days!
Thanks for your ongoing love, prayers and support while we wait for Hope! And a very Merry Christmas to everyone who has follwed us on our journey!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Four Months
We opened our online coffee store tonight to start fundraising through Just Love Coffee Roasters. It seems silly, but I am actually feeling a little nervous (and excited!). If you visit the site, please feel free to repost it on Facebook or forward it on to friends and family. I am hopeful that this will be a good way to raise funds to help offset our adoption expenses.
Just Love was founded by adoptive parent and long-time cofee connoisseur, Rob Webb, who realized the expense of international adoption firsthand when he traveled to Ethiopia to bring home his daughter last year. After much prayer and discussion with their first two children they started their adoption journey in August 2008. During the flurry of paperwork and preparation, Rob & Emily read books not only on adoption in general, but specifically on Ethiopia. Learning that Ethiopia is the birthplace of coffee caught Rob's attention, and after reading about the living conditions and wages of the average coffee farmer, he was compelled to take action. What developed through his reading and his trip to Ethiopia to unite with his daughter was a realization that he could combine his expertise and longstanding desire to roast his own coffees with his desire to help others. Just Love Coffee Roasters was born! Roasting Fair Trade Specialty coffees, Just Love uses proceeds to help an Ethiopian orphanage and families adopting not just from Ethiopia, but from anywhere in the world.
We are about 4 months into our wait now. I am told by our agency that it will be about 8 to 14 months from here. It seems like a long time, yet at the same time it seems so short. We will not have any expenses until that time, so this is the time for us to prepare! When we receive our referral, which will be any time after next July, our second installment of agency fees, as well as our international fees, which are the bulk of our expenses, will be due. We will also have travel expenses as we finally travel to Russia to meet Hope for the first time! We hope you will purchase some of Just Love's coffees for yourself or as a Christmas gift this year and help us on our Journey to Hope!
Thank you everyone for your continued prayers, encouragement and support through this long process. We can't wait until the day we finally bring Hope home from Russia!!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Three Months
Great news! It's been three months since we submitted all of our documentation and we have just been awarded a $3,000 grant from Show Hope towards our adoption expenses!! Show Hope is Steven Curtis Chapman's foundation supporting international adoption. We got the letter in the mail this afternoon and we are so excited! This comes on the heels of the Emergency Nurses Association (www.ENA.org) national conference in Baltimore this past weekend where Abby's story was shared with thousands of emergency nurses from across the country who made the trip to attend the annual conference. We received an email yesterday from the nurse who coordinated with us last spring to get photos and information in preparation for her presentation on unexpected infant/child death. She said that the nurses were very moved by our story and that she will be mailing some responses to us about how it will change the practices of ER's around the country. Praise God!! Two great ways that God has used what we have been through to make a difference. And it always blesses us whenever Abby is remembered in a thoughtful way. Needless to say, we are feeling very thankful today and just wanted to share this great news!
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