The Home Study Has Begun

Tonight was the first of four visits from the social worker for our home study. Chad was his usual calm, cool and collected self, but I have to admit -- I was a ball of nerves!!

Benjamin gave her the tour of the house, starting with the bedrooms. He was so proud to have such an important part in the process! He showed her his room, then Abby's, then ours. She took notes as she scanned each room and thanked Benjamin for his help. It was strange to bring a total stranger into Abby's room just seconds after greeting her and have it be so non-chalant and clinical. But at the same time, it was a relief to have it over with at the beginning. After all, in a year or so, it is going to be "Hope's" room! It was nice to acknowledge that and make it a reality in her presence. We finished touring the rest of the house: upstairs bathroom, living room, kitchen, play room, laundry, storage, downstairs bathroom, garage. And we were done. That fast. All that cleaning and the tour was over in less than 10 minutes!

After the tour was complete, we sat at the kitchen table and began the introductory interview. We skipped all the small talk and went straight for some pretty heavy topics, but, thankfully, Chad's humor and Benjamin's frequent interruptions kept giving us small breaks just when they were needed. I could see tears well up in her eyes a few times as we shared our story and I felt my nerves begin to relax in the comfort of her kindness. She asked a few questions and continued with her notetaking before finally interjecting some really important thoughts ...

One that we had already considered and that she realized after hearing our story, is how we have been uniquely equipped to be adoptive parents. Bittersweet, but true. Losing Abby will help us understand both the loss experienced by the birth parents and the grief experienced by our child. There was a chapter on it in a book we read about adoption a few months ago. Experts call it a "psychological presence" or "the symbolic existence of an individual in the perception of other family members in a way that influences thoughts, emotions, behavior, identity or unity of remaining family members." To put it in simple terms, someone is missing and life is different than it would have been and there are marked moments where that loss is experienced physically and emotionally. Having experienced such a significant loss ourselves, we will be able to relate with her loss and allow her to express grief in healthy ways she grows up and begins to understand the full extent of what it means to be adopted and losing her birth family.

At times, she will feel that someone is missing from her life. We know and understand how that feels. At times she will want to know if her birth parents think about her and may wonder what life would have been like with them. We know what it's like to wonder what would have been. We also know that you cannot give birth to a child, lose that child, and not stop thinking or wondering about them. She may be triggered emotionally by anniversaries or special days. There are anniversaries and special days that trigger our emotions, too. We understand grief on this level and it amazes me to see how God has already intertwined our lives in such a way that He has already begun to mold us into the parents she will need. And just like expecting a baby through pregnancy, we already feel so much love for her. It seems that as we complete each step and get closer to the day we will finally see her, our love for her just continues to grow and grow!

After about an hour of deep discussion, we went over some forms, discussed the steps in the process and she gave us a homework assignment to complete before her next visit. Next week, she will come back and do one-on-one interviews with each of us, separately. In the meantime, we need to complete some questionnaires and continue compiling documents for our dossier, CIS and home study.

It was such a wonderful, amazing experience tonight. I still can't believe this is really happening! Each step brings more confirmation that this is God's path for us and a renewed faith that He will continnue to provide everything we need. I know I will be much more relaxed for the next visit, now that we know what to expect. And I think we've made a new friend in the process, too!!